My dad thinks therapy cost too much money
So he stopped paying— left me scraping the bottom of
my empty wallet for $60 a week like it isn’t the
reason I’m still alive
He’s yet to accept the trauma he’s passed down,
typical Black household saga and repeated cycle
every Gen Z has vowed to end
I hope I’m alive to see a world where men
listen.
I’m aware this a broad statement but I’ve yet to
meet a cis hetero man who respects and believes my truth
without the need for a dissertation
or sex
or another man (or white person) around to agree
with me
I honor my masculine energy through daily gratitude but
I’ve accepted that my greatness comes from Black women
and Black women alone
I’ve accepted that most men are about as worthy of my
energy as the snow that dissolves under my feet when I step
on it
So I give you crumbs of me, bits and pieces since me in my
wholeness have yet to be earned
The more of myself I keep to myself the lighter I feel in my body
I am in heaven when I feel joy and he hates that just as
much as he hates the idea that therapy can
actually help if people let it
On the day I picked our child’s name
I learned that love can exist in the midst of
of chaos
they didn’t understand when I explained that stillness was
a skill that failed me
instead, they handed me a baton, forgetting that I ran track
longer than I enjoyed my childhood
\
those memories are rough around the edges,
bent inward because I prefer to pray on my back
looking above for the answer, they laughed when
I told them I dreamed of having their children
not one once but twice they said I was delusional
and didn’t believe I actually saw the child’s face
Brown eyes as wide as the mississippi river—as
if my ancestors were warning me not to fuck this up
a carbon copy of a passed relative I figured since
she looked nothing us
but rather a loved one we only hear stories about way
down the line when the lesson is finally learned
Biography
Khloe Janel is a queer artist, yogi and therapy enthusiast based in Chicago, IL. Born and raised in Little Rock, Arkansas, they create for healing and liberation. They’re a Vans open mic series winner and Public Narrative scholarship recipient. Their work has appeared in Chicago Womxn Collective, Scout & Birdie and Fearless Femme 100. As well as their literary accomplishments, they’re also an established actor. Having appeared on TV shows such as Chicago Fire, Empire, The Chi and Easy, Khloe is a proud Sag-Aftra member and Co-chair of the Chicago Next Generation Committee.